words

I started out early as one of many words...loved to talk, sing, and tell stories since I was old enough to do so.  So much so that nearly every elementary school report card, beginning with kindergarten, included the words, Mauri loves to talk a little too much. We cannot get her to stop. 

Honestly. 

As I got older, in my preteen years, the words didn't flow as freely.  Oh they were still there, in my head rolling 'round and 'round, but didn't quite make it to my tongue.  Some things were best left untold.  Hard things that were tough to bear, came even tougher to share.  So the words rolled around, bounced off the walls in my mind, and often seemed to be so loud I wondered if anyone might "hear" what I couldn't share.  Desperate to keep those words locked away, I let the words of my mouth be others-focused, How are you?  What can I do for you?  Tell me about you.  Relationships built on escape...me escaping my reality as I got lost in the words of others; if only temporarily silencing the dysfunctional words that filled my mind and my life.

The past few weeks I've found myself entrenched in challenging personal times.  Tonight I'm frustrated, sad, confused, alone, and worn-out...I feel battle-weary and without words.  No words.  At least not ones that want to leave my mouth.  My mouth doesn't want to open so it's been shut for hours as my head says, I don't have any words. 

And then, quietly, these words come.... 

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

Ahhh-words.

They float into my mind, overtaking the heavy-laden words. These words bringing light to a darkened spirit and making light a heavy heart.  Meditating on them begins to dislodge the fear that has clamped shut my mouth.  And out the words flow, over and over, slow and steady, stopping at the end of each line and taking it all in, until the peace comes.

I decide, no matter the words that my life is speaking right now, the truth is, God's word trumps them all.  His word has the power to change the words that my life speaks.  
And His are the very words I want to speak.

Trusting...

preschoolers and bees

I bought a pretty bracelet the other day. I was drawn to the blue and green shades. It has 2 bees on it. I don't own anything with bees on it but something about this bracelet was so appealing, and it matched a dress I picked up to wear to a wedding, so I bought it. It was a couple weeks later, as I wore it, not to the wedding but on a regular day just because, that I looked at the bracelet dangling there on my wrist and immediately I remembered a drive a few years ago on the way to my youngest son's preschool. He and his sweet little friend Abbi were in the back seat having one of their conversations.  I always turned down the radio when Abbi got in the van because their 4 year old conversations were priceless and I never wanted to miss a single word.  This time they were talking about bees. Samuel asked Abbi ,  "You know how to tell which one is the queen bee?"  She didn't know.  He promptly replied,  "She's the one who sits in the chair."   Love. I've thought about that conversation more than a couple times with a chuckle over the past few years but as I recalled it this time, it meant something different to me.  She's the one who sits in the chair reminded me of the fact that I am seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus.  You see I've been studying lately about the believer's authority and as soon as we confess that Jesus is Lord of our lives the Bible says we are immediately seated with Him in heavenly places.  He's seated there with all power and authority, God having placed all things under His feet, which simply means He's got dominion over it all.  He's seated there and God has made us to sit there with Him...there with His power and authority and all things under our feet, which simply means He's given us dominion.  So that means all sickness, lack, strife, divorce, and every evil work, we sit above it all in our chair with Christ, all His power and authority given to us to do His will on earth as it is in heaven.  His will is for us to bind the works of the devil and loose the blessing of God wherever we go.  So as I've been reading the Bible and learning the truth of God's word and His promises to all believers, this believer is reminded, as I look down at my pretty bee-wrapped wrist, that she's the one who sits in the chair.  No matter what it looks like in my situation here in my daily life, in the spirit I am seated in heavenly places with Jesus and He expects me to look from that perspective and use that authority to speak His will over my life and watch to see what He'll do.  That's the perspective I want, so,  I'm getting in my chair.

Do this in remembrance of Me

In the midst of what is known to us as the Last Supper, Jesus reveals thanksgiving, grace, and joy. 

On that night, during the Festival of Unleavened Bread, in that home with table laid out for a Passover meal, in that room amongst the 12, Jesus gave thanks.  Bread on the table, He picked it up and gave thanks to His Father in Heaven. Bread in hand, Jesus thanked Father God for the bread, which He revealed to those gathered was His Body.  His Body...it's sole purpose… made and sent to be a sacrifice for all.

For it, He gave

 Thanks.

Bread in hand, He offered grace to those at the table.  Grace, even to the one who would eat the meal with Jesus, then leave the table and immediately betray Him.  Grace, even to the rest who would fall away and deny Him just a few hours later.  That's just it, grace just wouldn't be grace unless it's unmerited favor to all….no matter what.  He offered them all Bread, His Body, and said, Take it and eat.  

Grace.

He did the same with a cup of wine.  Raised it to Heaven and gave thanks for it.  But, it wasn't just the cup and it's contents He was thankful for.  It was the Blood, His Blood, which would be poured out for all of mankind. He was thankful that He carried the life-giving, healing payment due for the forgiveness of all sin.  That this Blood would make a new covenant between God and His people.  And again this grace…Drink from it, all of you.  Yes, you Judas, and you too Peter…drink.  

Grace.

After He passed around the cup for all, He shared what He saw up ahead.  A celebration in Heaven when all would be gathered together with Him in His Father's Kingdom drinking wine and celebrating.  He said He wouldn't drink wine again until then.  Until we were with there Him, together in heaven, everyone will drink it new He said.  He saw ahead to what would come of His excruciating sacrifice and it was beautiful to Him and He anticipated it.  

Joy.

Thinking about Jesus and the bread, I can’t help but think of another pivotal time in His ministry where we see Him dealing with bread.  Could it be a foreshadowing?  Five loaves given as a sacrifice by someone's young son, lifted up to Heaven in thanks by the Son of God, broken and freely given to all, thousands fed to their fill with what began as an offering of five loaves. Even still, twelve baskets were filled to the brim with leftovers.  Later, Jesus, His one body given as a sacrifice, lifted up to Heaven on the Cross at calvary, broken and freely given to all, every sin forgiven with what began as one perfect offering.  Even still, today He continues to give out of the reserves of Heaven to all who would gather to Him.

It all started with Him giving thanks. Thanks for the Body which is the sacrifice, grace for all to receive it, and joy for the day we’re all gathered to Him in celebration.

His one command at the Last Supper?

Do this to remember me...

Give thanks to remember me...

Receive grace and remember me...

Have joy in thinking of our future together and remember me...

This reminds me of another "remember me" quoted in scripture.  Sentenced to die on that same ominous day on calvary, a criminal hanging on a cross at Jesus' side cries out to the One he could now see...

Remember me when you come into your kingdom...

Jesus immediately replied, I assure you today you will be with me in paradise.

So, wherever you are, in whatever state you're in, remember Him today and you will be with Him.

What does Jesus offer us when we commune with Him?  

Thanksgiving

Grace

Joy

And how should we receive it?

  In the same way it was given.

Arms extended in thanks.

Hands open to receive grace.

Hearts fixed on the joy ahead.

My heart's desire is to make each day one of communion with Him.

Matthew 26:24-29

John 6:1-14

1 Corinthians  11:23-26

onward

In beginning again I come to the realization that everything that God has for me is ahead.  As I come back to what is in Him, and let go of my wandering ways, I look at now and I look up ahead…not behind.  I determine in my heart and set my face to not turn back.  Turning back would only cause me to lose more.  Lose time in wishing I hadn't screwed up…wishing I was further.  Behind is where the mess is and that mess can taunt me with a name-calling frenzy.  But that mess has been surrendered and forgiven.  Forgiven not because of me or anything I did, but forgiven because of Jesus and all that He has done. 

So I decide...shaky feet planted on the firm ground of the Word...I won't turn back.

  And with the wisdom of Paul, a man who could have been taunted up one-side and down the other for the mistakes in his past, it's what he says that beckons me forward….

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Forgetting what's behind.

Pressing on.

On toward God's calling.

I tell myself I don't have to have to all figured out.  I just have to press on…keep my eyes on Jesus. And I see Him today in this word.  He beckons me forward and with a giant leap of faith I take my first steps and I'm not turning back!

Everything that He has for me is ahead. 

beginning again

It’s been so long since I’ve written.  I've avoided it a bit because I’d love so much to give a wise word or a charming little story, but that’s really not where I've been lately.  And see, I'd much rather you believe that I have it all together.  So, I avoided writing even though it's an outlet that I find healing, but it can also be painfully hard to write and open up when you’d just prefer to hibernate and come out of the den when things are much more rosy in life.

  I have a love/hate relationship with journaling.  One one hand it's one of the best ways for me to process my thoughts, as I often don't even have words for them until I tap them out on the keys of my laptop. But, on the other hand I hate it because at times when I go back to read past entries, I see how far I haven't come…same problems and same negative thoughts just another day or, even worse, another year or more! Ugh!  And it causes me to feel the shame... the what’s wrong with me? kind of shame.

  What is wrong?

  I've been in a rut for many months and I've been trying hard and running as fast as I can to get out of it, but the stress, anxiety, mood swings, scary heart palpitations, and disorder have caught up to me and wrestled me to the ground helpless.  Wrestled me into a pit that I can no longer out run or work hard to get out of. And in the black depths of it I've caught my chest and cried heaving. All the while the words in my head on continuous loop…

What's wrong with me, it's never going to turn out well and if anyone ever knew what a major failure I was I'd be so ashamed…even I am ashamed of myself.

 I've cried out to God for help but I mustn't really have given Him much time to give me an answer because I haven't felt Him.  I know enough in my pit to know that I need to focus on the Lord, but sometimes I just don’t know where to begin.

  Where to begin with God?  As I pose this question right now, it comes into my head,

In the beginning was the Word,

 and the Word was with God,

 and the Word was God.

The Word.

  Jesus.

  The Word became flesh.

  Jesus.

  Begin with Him.

So right here in my black pit I go back in my mind and remember the beginning.  In the beginning of getting to know Jesus it was His love that drew me in.  His undeniable-unconditional-no-need-to-do-anything-doesn’t-matter-what-you’ve-done-come-as-you-are kind of love.  That’s the kind of love that gets through the junk inside...the years of pain, shame, and anger built up.  I've been there with Him.  I've lived in that Love.  But for someone who’s been there so deeply and had Him move in my life so amazingly time and time again, how do I find myself feeling alone and very much outside the scope of love, and the scope of dreams, and the scope of joy undeniable?

  How does a loved-one wander?

  I consider the ways and I find that it wasn’t intentional, my wandering.  I didn’t just one day choose to give Him less of my time...and I’m talking one-on-one time, talking time, listening time, quiet time, bible time.   Somewhere in the midst of being a wife, raising boys, managing a home, working, leading a children’s ministry, being a daughter, sister, friend, etc I’ve lost my Center.  I’ve allowed myself to be pulled by other people’s expectations, my own ridiculous expectations based on impossible images of success, and I turned from the only image that truly matters...Jesus.  

In that turning and losing sight of my Center, I’ve stumbled. I’ve stumbled into a fear/work/shame cycle...the work-harder-faster-go-go-go-what’s-wrong-with-you-why-can’t-you-do-all-of-this perfectly kind.  No one’s actually said that to me but it's what I hear over and over in my mind, and I’ve become a slave to my own ridiculous demands and impossible standards.

  How does this happen?

  And I consider this, Am I much different than the prodigal who knew the love and the comfort of his father’s home but chose to go his own way and do his own thing, only to wake up one day and wonder, how did I get here?  How did I wander?

  He looked at himself in the pig pen and he started to remember.  He remembered how good he had it in his fathers house...how could he have wandered?  He came to the realization that the only thing he could do was go back; go back to the beginning...go back to love.  

That’s where I find myself. Wondering how did I get into this mess?  How did I wander away from the pastures of love and acceptance into the hardness of performance and shame and never good enough?  How did I trade peace for anxiety, love for performance, joy for fear?  It wasn’t a conscious choice.  And I don't think I have much more going on than anyone else does.  In fact aren't we supposed to multitask and juggle…isn't that the norm?  Maybe...but for me it's not working because in the juggle I dropped the One True Thing that holds it all together.

  I don't have a nice little way to tie this story up.  No wise words or charming anecdote.  Just really writing to understand.  And I’m only just realizing that I’m at the end of what I can handle.

But, in my end, I stumbled back to the beginning…

In the beginning was the Word,

 and the Word was with God,

 and the Word was God.

Jesus.

So today, I’m beginning again...

Jesus, it’s great to meet you here!