beginning again

It’s been so long since I’ve written.  I've avoided it a bit because I’d love so much to give a wise word or a charming little story, but that’s really not where I've been lately.  And see, I'd much rather you believe that I have it all together.  So, I avoided writing even though it's an outlet that I find healing, but it can also be painfully hard to write and open up when you’d just prefer to hibernate and come out of the den when things are much more rosy in life.

  I have a love/hate relationship with journaling.  One one hand it's one of the best ways for me to process my thoughts, as I often don't even have words for them until I tap them out on the keys of my laptop. But, on the other hand I hate it because at times when I go back to read past entries, I see how far I haven't come…same problems and same negative thoughts just another day or, even worse, another year or more! Ugh!  And it causes me to feel the shame... the what’s wrong with me? kind of shame.

  What is wrong?

  I've been in a rut for many months and I've been trying hard and running as fast as I can to get out of it, but the stress, anxiety, mood swings, scary heart palpitations, and disorder have caught up to me and wrestled me to the ground helpless.  Wrestled me into a pit that I can no longer out run or work hard to get out of. And in the black depths of it I've caught my chest and cried heaving. All the while the words in my head on continuous loop…

What's wrong with me, it's never going to turn out well and if anyone ever knew what a major failure I was I'd be so ashamed…even I am ashamed of myself.

 I've cried out to God for help but I mustn't really have given Him much time to give me an answer because I haven't felt Him.  I know enough in my pit to know that I need to focus on the Lord, but sometimes I just don’t know where to begin.

  Where to begin with God?  As I pose this question right now, it comes into my head,

In the beginning was the Word,

 and the Word was with God,

 and the Word was God.

The Word.

  Jesus.

  The Word became flesh.

  Jesus.

  Begin with Him.

So right here in my black pit I go back in my mind and remember the beginning.  In the beginning of getting to know Jesus it was His love that drew me in.  His undeniable-unconditional-no-need-to-do-anything-doesn’t-matter-what-you’ve-done-come-as-you-are kind of love.  That’s the kind of love that gets through the junk inside...the years of pain, shame, and anger built up.  I've been there with Him.  I've lived in that Love.  But for someone who’s been there so deeply and had Him move in my life so amazingly time and time again, how do I find myself feeling alone and very much outside the scope of love, and the scope of dreams, and the scope of joy undeniable?

  How does a loved-one wander?

  I consider the ways and I find that it wasn’t intentional, my wandering.  I didn’t just one day choose to give Him less of my time...and I’m talking one-on-one time, talking time, listening time, quiet time, bible time.   Somewhere in the midst of being a wife, raising boys, managing a home, working, leading a children’s ministry, being a daughter, sister, friend, etc I’ve lost my Center.  I’ve allowed myself to be pulled by other people’s expectations, my own ridiculous expectations based on impossible images of success, and I turned from the only image that truly matters...Jesus.  

In that turning and losing sight of my Center, I’ve stumbled. I’ve stumbled into a fear/work/shame cycle...the work-harder-faster-go-go-go-what’s-wrong-with-you-why-can’t-you-do-all-of-this perfectly kind.  No one’s actually said that to me but it's what I hear over and over in my mind, and I’ve become a slave to my own ridiculous demands and impossible standards.

  How does this happen?

  And I consider this, Am I much different than the prodigal who knew the love and the comfort of his father’s home but chose to go his own way and do his own thing, only to wake up one day and wonder, how did I get here?  How did I wander?

  He looked at himself in the pig pen and he started to remember.  He remembered how good he had it in his fathers house...how could he have wandered?  He came to the realization that the only thing he could do was go back; go back to the beginning...go back to love.  

That’s where I find myself. Wondering how did I get into this mess?  How did I wander away from the pastures of love and acceptance into the hardness of performance and shame and never good enough?  How did I trade peace for anxiety, love for performance, joy for fear?  It wasn’t a conscious choice.  And I don't think I have much more going on than anyone else does.  In fact aren't we supposed to multitask and juggle…isn't that the norm?  Maybe...but for me it's not working because in the juggle I dropped the One True Thing that holds it all together.

  I don't have a nice little way to tie this story up.  No wise words or charming anecdote.  Just really writing to understand.  And I’m only just realizing that I’m at the end of what I can handle.

But, in my end, I stumbled back to the beginning…

In the beginning was the Word,

 and the Word was with God,

 and the Word was God.

Jesus.

So today, I’m beginning again...

Jesus, it’s great to meet you here!