words

I started out early as one of many words...loved to talk, sing, and tell stories since I was old enough to do so.  So much so that nearly every elementary school report card, beginning with kindergarten, included the words, Mauri loves to talk a little too much. We cannot get her to stop. 

Honestly. 

As I got older, in my preteen years, the words didn't flow as freely.  Oh they were still there, in my head rolling 'round and 'round, but didn't quite make it to my tongue.  Some things were best left untold.  Hard things that were tough to bear, came even tougher to share.  So the words rolled around, bounced off the walls in my mind, and often seemed to be so loud I wondered if anyone might "hear" what I couldn't share.  Desperate to keep those words locked away, I let the words of my mouth be others-focused, How are you?  What can I do for you?  Tell me about you.  Relationships built on escape...me escaping my reality as I got lost in the words of others; if only temporarily silencing the dysfunctional words that filled my mind and my life.

The past few weeks I've found myself entrenched in challenging personal times.  Tonight I'm frustrated, sad, confused, alone, and worn-out...I feel battle-weary and without words.  No words.  At least not ones that want to leave my mouth.  My mouth doesn't want to open so it's been shut for hours as my head says, I don't have any words. 

And then, quietly, these words come.... 

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

Ahhh-words.

They float into my mind, overtaking the heavy-laden words. These words bringing light to a darkened spirit and making light a heavy heart.  Meditating on them begins to dislodge the fear that has clamped shut my mouth.  And out the words flow, over and over, slow and steady, stopping at the end of each line and taking it all in, until the peace comes.

I decide, no matter the words that my life is speaking right now, the truth is, God's word trumps them all.  His word has the power to change the words that my life speaks.  
And His are the very words I want to speak.

Trusting...

beginning again

It’s been so long since I’ve written.  I've avoided it a bit because I’d love so much to give a wise word or a charming little story, but that’s really not where I've been lately.  And see, I'd much rather you believe that I have it all together.  So, I avoided writing even though it's an outlet that I find healing, but it can also be painfully hard to write and open up when you’d just prefer to hibernate and come out of the den when things are much more rosy in life.

  I have a love/hate relationship with journaling.  One one hand it's one of the best ways for me to process my thoughts, as I often don't even have words for them until I tap them out on the keys of my laptop. But, on the other hand I hate it because at times when I go back to read past entries, I see how far I haven't come…same problems and same negative thoughts just another day or, even worse, another year or more! Ugh!  And it causes me to feel the shame... the what’s wrong with me? kind of shame.

  What is wrong?

  I've been in a rut for many months and I've been trying hard and running as fast as I can to get out of it, but the stress, anxiety, mood swings, scary heart palpitations, and disorder have caught up to me and wrestled me to the ground helpless.  Wrestled me into a pit that I can no longer out run or work hard to get out of. And in the black depths of it I've caught my chest and cried heaving. All the while the words in my head on continuous loop…

What's wrong with me, it's never going to turn out well and if anyone ever knew what a major failure I was I'd be so ashamed…even I am ashamed of myself.

 I've cried out to God for help but I mustn't really have given Him much time to give me an answer because I haven't felt Him.  I know enough in my pit to know that I need to focus on the Lord, but sometimes I just don’t know where to begin.

  Where to begin with God?  As I pose this question right now, it comes into my head,

In the beginning was the Word,

 and the Word was with God,

 and the Word was God.

The Word.

  Jesus.

  The Word became flesh.

  Jesus.

  Begin with Him.

So right here in my black pit I go back in my mind and remember the beginning.  In the beginning of getting to know Jesus it was His love that drew me in.  His undeniable-unconditional-no-need-to-do-anything-doesn’t-matter-what-you’ve-done-come-as-you-are kind of love.  That’s the kind of love that gets through the junk inside...the years of pain, shame, and anger built up.  I've been there with Him.  I've lived in that Love.  But for someone who’s been there so deeply and had Him move in my life so amazingly time and time again, how do I find myself feeling alone and very much outside the scope of love, and the scope of dreams, and the scope of joy undeniable?

  How does a loved-one wander?

  I consider the ways and I find that it wasn’t intentional, my wandering.  I didn’t just one day choose to give Him less of my time...and I’m talking one-on-one time, talking time, listening time, quiet time, bible time.   Somewhere in the midst of being a wife, raising boys, managing a home, working, leading a children’s ministry, being a daughter, sister, friend, etc I’ve lost my Center.  I’ve allowed myself to be pulled by other people’s expectations, my own ridiculous expectations based on impossible images of success, and I turned from the only image that truly matters...Jesus.  

In that turning and losing sight of my Center, I’ve stumbled. I’ve stumbled into a fear/work/shame cycle...the work-harder-faster-go-go-go-what’s-wrong-with-you-why-can’t-you-do-all-of-this perfectly kind.  No one’s actually said that to me but it's what I hear over and over in my mind, and I’ve become a slave to my own ridiculous demands and impossible standards.

  How does this happen?

  And I consider this, Am I much different than the prodigal who knew the love and the comfort of his father’s home but chose to go his own way and do his own thing, only to wake up one day and wonder, how did I get here?  How did I wander?

  He looked at himself in the pig pen and he started to remember.  He remembered how good he had it in his fathers house...how could he have wandered?  He came to the realization that the only thing he could do was go back; go back to the beginning...go back to love.  

That’s where I find myself. Wondering how did I get into this mess?  How did I wander away from the pastures of love and acceptance into the hardness of performance and shame and never good enough?  How did I trade peace for anxiety, love for performance, joy for fear?  It wasn’t a conscious choice.  And I don't think I have much more going on than anyone else does.  In fact aren't we supposed to multitask and juggle…isn't that the norm?  Maybe...but for me it's not working because in the juggle I dropped the One True Thing that holds it all together.

  I don't have a nice little way to tie this story up.  No wise words or charming anecdote.  Just really writing to understand.  And I’m only just realizing that I’m at the end of what I can handle.

But, in my end, I stumbled back to the beginning…

In the beginning was the Word,

 and the Word was with God,

 and the Word was God.

Jesus.

So today, I’m beginning again...

Jesus, it’s great to meet you here!   

Just Do It

In August I accomplished a tough goal.

  I ran a 5K.

  Now, you need to understand, just 8 weeks prior, I was not a runner and never had any plans to ever run, unless of course someone was chasing me and I had to run for my life.

  And I really wasn't planning on having to do that either!

....just sayin'.

But since I cancelled my Y membership nearly a year ago, I hadn't done much in the way of exercise, and I was feeling it...run-down and blah.  So when one of my closest friends mentioned she wanted to start running, I heard myself saying, I'll do it with you.

What?

So we started meeting early in the morning at a local park in mid-June.  We used the Couch to 5K app, C25K, on our iPhones and off we went.  I know that sounds all easy-breezy, but it was far from it!  Our area has a lot of runners and driving into this park on that 1st morning, it became pretty obvious where they all hung out.  Suddenly, the 2 girls who had never run, were two outsiders walking into a club that we clearly weren't dressed for, or even knew how to blend in to.  It was a bit intimidating to say the least.  So, doing our best to push past that, we set out with our iPhones programmed to week 1/day 1.  I was thinking, Ok, I'm a bit scared of how this running thing is going to go, but I'm not exactly coming from the couch, I mean I do run around taking care of 3 boys so surely I must be starting with a bit of an advantage over the couch potatoes right? But at the end of that 1st day of training, alternating 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes, I was seriously wiped out, beat-down and haggard!  What's worse is I could barely make it up and down the stairs for the next 36 hours.  My non-workout body was in utter shock and my mind was screaming, Just Quit! 

It wasn't pretty and quite frankly if I thought there was any chance my friend wouldn't be waiting for me at the park on day 2, I would have gladly ended my running career right then with a tap of the snooze button, and rolled over to enjoy more sleep.

But I persisted and met my friend 3x a week for 8 weeks until we completed the program.  There were great times of being with my friend and connecting, there were agonizing times when we pushed our bodies way beyond our comfort level, and in summer heat no less.  There were hysterical times like when we set out on our 1st day of running 2 miles, and as soon as we finished our warm-up and began running, the sky opened up and poured torrential rains upon us.  We kept going and laughed most of the way.  The irony was just too much...us running 2 miles in the rain?  We realized that we non-runners had somehow become runners and I was now one of those people I used to call crazy.      

Anyway, we finished the 8 week program, and the very next week we ran a 5K.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  During the last mile I felt as though someone was pummeling my stomach and I was so hot it felt like my head might explode.  But we came across that finish line running.  I was so happy it was over so the pain would end.  But also, so happy it was over because I accomplished a really hard goal. 

And because it was so hard to accomplish it means so much more.   

So this is what I learned...

1.  It's good to get out of my comfort zone and try the hard thing that I don't know how to do.
 (That's a huge stretch for me because my nature is quite the opposite...I generally like to know how to do things before I decide to do them.) It was a great mental and physical challenge to take on something I didn't know how to do.

2.  If I change a bit of my routine, I can change my life.
  Prior to June I had no exercise routine.  But making a place for it in my life over the past few months has helped me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  That one change in my routine has changed the shape of my week. 

3. Doing something new with a friend anchors you to that goal.
  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would have quit had it not been for my commitment to my friend.  After the pain and the heat exhaustion, I would have rationalized my way right out of accomplishing that goal and would have gladly rolled over in my bed on day 2.  Without knowing it, she kept me there and I so enjoyed the bonding that experience brought to us.  It was a richer experience because I did it with a friend.
  

4. Give yourself some grace and remember to laugh.
  Woo, is this a biggie!  Grace, grace and more grace.  Remember to come as you are, start where you're at, and just to be all that you can be.  Abandon any temptation at comparison and just do it.  Don't take it too seriously...it's running, not the ER.  I used to always say that when I was a general manager at Gap.  When things were just too crazy stressful, I would say out loud, to myself and whoever else was standing nearby, we're selling jeans, not working in the ER people...let's just chill out! 

5.  Finally, celebrate the accomplishment.
  I did it!  Accomplishing a goal that all of my life I never thought I had the desire or courage for is hard to describe.  But it stirs me on.  It makes me realize that I'm made to do more than even I ever imagined.  It makes me want to keep going.  

I feel the strength and motivation to go after more goals.  Suddenly possibility and hope rise up and bring a certain freedom.  Freedom from small mindsets, freedom from even how I viewed myself.  

Makes me want to see what else this girl can do.

Is this your first visit to Freedom Friday? 

We're embracing freedom each Friday here in 2012.
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For Such a Time As This

When I hear sermons about the end times and listen to talk about how things are getting worse and that the future for our country is bleak, I’m not going to lie, it has sparked fear in me and leaves me feeling unsettled.  I mean I realize that the world’s political and economic climates are not good.  There are wars and rumors of wars, there’s famine, there’s unusual and catastrophic weather patterns...all things that are mentioned in the Bible as signs of the end of the age.

  We live in a time where there’s a complete disregard for God’s word; what is evil is said to be good and what is good is said to be evil.  God, and all things related to Him, is made to be mocked in entertainment in the name of freedom.  Laws are in place to aid a woman in killing her unborn child in the name of choice.  Of course why shouldn’t God just allow us all to suffer through the worst of tribulation right now?


  Some people in the church say that we are in the end and it’s only going to get worse, Prepare, get your affairs in order, stockpile food, build an underground shelter, stow away cash.  I find this talk to be heavy and grim and it just doesn't sit well in my spirit.  Is the church supposed to just hunker down?

A few days ago I read this post from global worship leader Sean Feucht.  In his excitement he shares about what God’s doing in manifesting his dreams of worship and using him and many others to usher in the Presence of the Lord around the globe.  He is encouraged in these times, seeing God moving and touching so many hearts and bringing forth miracles and salvations in so many parts of the world.

  What a juxtaposition of outlooks on the exact same times.  I thought on all of this and I felt the Lord whisper in my spirit, 

“Find your place in it.” 

  Aren’t we, as lovers of the Most High, supposed to keep our eyes on Him believing and contending for His Kingdom while making a difference with our lives on this earth?  We are to change atmospheres and ignite passion for the Lord.  Now I’m not saying that getting prepared for bad times is wrong, we are to be aware of the times and the seasons.  But sometimes I feel that there can be this spirit of hunkering down and doom and gloom and plans for fleeing that bother me.  God help me to find a balance between wisdom and preparation and being completely focused on You, sold out and on fire and believing the best because you can do anything....help me to find my place in this.

Queen Esther comes to mind and how she was used to save the lives of thousands.

 A young Jewish girl, Esther went to the palace of the Persian king by force, one of up to 1400 young women taken from their homes and all that they knew so the king could find a new wife.  Hiding her true identity as a Jew, Esther found herself in a situation where she could have just been someone who the king slept with once and forgot about, left to live life as a lonely concubine, but God’s hand was on Esther and she was made queen, placing her in a position of influence before trouble came so she could be used of God to save her people from an evil plot of annihilation.  When the plot to destroy the Jews was set into motion, her uncle sent her word from outside the palace walls imploring her to use her influence with the king to beg mercy for the Jews, reminding her that she may have come into her royal position for such a time as this.

 Esther found that her place in the situation was one of influence in the king's court and she was used mightily.

  I believe that we have the very same position of influence.  Although our influence is not with an earthly king, but in the courts of heaven with the King of Kings.  We can come boldly before His throne and intercede on behalf of our nation and beg mercy for those who live outside the King's chambers.  We can see relief and deliverance come to a nation if we choose not to remain silent.  


Esther got herself focused and trusted God in prayer.  She stepped out, used her gifts, and the way God made her...special and fitted for that time and place.  The Bible says that God decides the times and places of our days.  God gave her favor, wisdom and protection.  She came into her destiny in the worst of times.  Although it wasn't easy and took amazing courage, especially in revealing that she herself was a Jew, Esther was willing to even give up her own life to fulfill her purpose in the palace.  She found her place in it and changed the destiny of her people.
  

  So I look to Esther's example, a regular girl placed in a position of influence during volatile times, given extraordinary favor to fulfill God's purpose and bring deliverance to a nation.

  My prayer today is, Lord help me to find my place in these times.  Help me to be myself, using the gifts you've given me, grant me extraordinary favor to fulfill your purpose in this earth, and even bring deliverance to a nation.
Help me to take up my position of influence for such a time as this.

Is this your first visit to Freedom Friday?
We're embracing freedom each Friday here in 2012.

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Who's Bearing Your Burdens?

A few months ago I was on my way to meet a mentor for breakfast.  It was a rainy, dreary day which mimicked the way I felt.  I had just gotten all the boys off to school and was driving to meet her as I wrestled with my thoughts. 
She had been encouraging me during monthly breakfasts as my husband and I walked through a tough time financially.  Normally I looked forward to those breakfasts, but this day I didn't.  I knew she would ask me how things were and I just didn't want to go and report that we still hadn't seen much change in our situation; that we were still struggling.
I had been praying for things to change, but it was taking so long and it was so uncomfortable.


  I had grown weary.


My mind was filled with fear over the "what-if's" of the situation.  All the worst case scenarios were replaying over in my mind and as they filled my mind, they eventually came out of my mouth.  And for the last 2 weeks I had pain in my shoulders, down both my arms, and into both hands.  The pain was so severe at times that it made me nauseous.


At first I thought I may have slept in an odd position which caused the discomfort, but the pain grew worse over the next few days.  I considered calling the doctor, but I'm not really a doctor person.  Deep down I knew it wasn't something the doctor could heal anyway.  I knew it was stress and that my negative thoughts and words had opened me up to this pain.  I felt ashamed.  So, I really didn't want to go to the breakfast.


But I did.


I told her what was going on...
Things still the same.
No money.
Lots of stress.
Now lots of pain.


  She asked,
Maureen, are you taking on burdens that you weren't meant to bear?

  What?


Are you bearing a load that is not your responsibility?


I hadn't thought of it that way, but something clicked in me and I knew she was right.  So we left the restaurant and prayed together in her car.  I asked the Lord to forgive me for taking on a burden that wasn't mine.  To forgive me for my unbelief in His ability to provide for us.  By faith I took that burden off and gave it to Him.  And that was it.  But that was not all.  The pain in my body started to go.  It wasn't as severe.  A few hours later it was completely gone!  This was pain I had all day everyday for 2 weeks.  It kept me awake at night.  It had me constantly rubbing my hands thinking I could rub it away.  It had me nauseous.


  Now it was all gone!


So what happened?


Somewhere during the year of lack and stress I picked up the burden of provision for our family instead of giving it to the Lord.  I was praying and asking for God to help us, even quoting scripture here and there, but yet my mind was stuck in trying-to-figure-it-all-out mode.  My negative thoughts, which turned into words as I gave voice to them, negated my prayers and God's ability to work in my life.  My words stopped His answers from coming.


  I picture it like this...
I'd pray, quote scripture, and ask for His help.
He'd hear my words and start to answer.
Then I'd go through doubt and fear.
I'd voice that doubt and fear.
He'd hear my words and His answer halted at those words because they were in direct opposition to what I had originally prayed.


My prayers and scriptures were calling for blessing to come into my life, yet my words, spoken out of doubt and fear, called for cursing.


This became clear to me that day that I asked forgiveness for my fear words and my burden bearing.  Asking for His forgiveness opened me up to receive His blessing and I was healed.


The next day I woke up and those negative thoughts started to come back in and my hands began to ache slightly.  Those thoughts were just waiting for me to grab ahold and give them a voice like I had done before.  But, instead I reminded them that I gave that burden of provision to Jesus yesterday and that I give it to Him again today.  The burden isn't mine to bear and those thoughts have to go.  They went and so did the pain.
  I haven't had pain since. 

So, today, if you're plagued with stressful thoughts, and maybe even pain in your body, take some time to see if you're shouldering burdens you weren't meant to bear.  Ask God to forgive you for not trusting Him.  He's a merciful God who longs to see His children free and healed.  Then give that burden to Jesus.  It's His shoulders the burden was meant to rest upon.
Be at peace and be healed.  

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
    who daily bears our burdens.
Psalm 68:19

Is this your first visit to Freedom Friday?
We're embracing freedom each Friday here in 2012.
Click here for a list of the other posts in the series.

March It Out

via

I woke up early the other day and read this...

March, a 31 day march around the Jericho that's been keeping you from Jesus.  31 days to march around that one fear I've been struggling with.

That one fear.
Take these days of in-between, one season closing out as another season beckons, these days, to march into victory.


Well, last Friday I put fear on notice.

But today I go deeper...naming that one fear, shining a light on it and rooting it out.

Join me?
What's your one fear?

Care to march around it these last weeks of March and see it come down?

Here's how I'm doing it:

1.  Name it.
In what area of your life does fear most act up in?

  For me it's provision.
Will my and my family's needs be met?
  My husband has his own business so there isn't a regular guaranteed paycheck.  This past year especially has been a struggle for us and although we've seen God miraculously provide, there have also been unpaid bills and other challenges.
It's been a tough time.
So, this area of fear taunts, your needs will not be met and what you have you will lose.


2.  Speak to it.
Look up every scripture you can on it.  Read these truths daily to renew your mind with the truth of God's Word.  Write the scriptures on cards and carry them with you to pull out when you feel that fear start to rise up.  Soon the wrong thinking will be replaced with right thinking and out of a right mind come right words.  And words have power to bring life or death to our situation.


3.  Give thanks
Giving thanks to God in your everyday makes Him bigger and makes the fear smaller.
  Psalm 69:30 says, ...I will magnify {God} with thanksgiving.
  Last year I joined with Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts challenge to keep track of all the gifts God has for me in each day.  It felt good to have that focus, but honestly, I've fallen away from keeping that list and having that focus and I want it back.  So, I pick up my gratitude journal again and decide to fix my eyes on what God's doing in my everyday.  I'll encounter God in the thanksgiving and there with Him I'll find joy.


4. Prayer

Is there a person in your life that brings out the fear in you either by their actions toward you or in the things they do and decide that directly affect you?  Pray for them daily; that God would love on them, give them wisdom and direct their steps.  Trust them to God's hands.  Daily I've been praying for God to give my husband and I wisdom with our finances.  We've been taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, so that helps.  And since my husband's business is the main channel through which we bring money into our home, I pray these things I mentioned above for him.  Entrusting him, and myself and the boys, to God's care.


Ready to march in to freedom? 

Is this your first visit to Freedom Friday?

We're embracing freedom each Friday here in 2012.

Click here for a list of the other posts in the series.      

You've Been Served!

Fear,

You ugly tormentor and hard driving slave master, it's time for you to go...time for you to die in this girl's life.  No more can you dictate the day.  No more can you wile away the darkened hours, keeping me awake with your lies.  

Fear, it's time for you to go.

No more will I succumb to your penetrating ways, to your evil forebodings.  You've decided the day for too long.  You've dictated the to-do's, the meditations of my heart, chosen the words choked out through tense lips.  You've resided in my body, tightening the muscles, wrenching the spine, locking the jaw, gripping my head like a vise, and stealing my breath away.

Fear, it's time for you to go.

Pack up your bags and fill them with your lies, your doubt, your anger, your cloud of despair, your broken promises, your lodged disappointments, your empty hope, your crushing shame, and your unrelenting control.  All these years we've spent together you think you've won, but you haven't.  The years will be redeemed and greater shall be my days.

But wait, one thing before you go...

This is my parting gift to you, a profession of who I am, a list so you won't forget, my declaration of independence, if you will.

I am God's child.

I have been justified.

I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.

I have been redeemed by Jesus' blood and forgiven of all my sins.

I have direct access to the throne of grace through Christ Jesus.

I am free from condemnation.

I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.

I cannot be separated from the love of God.

I am confident that the good work started in me, God will complete.

I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

I am God's temple and His Spirit dwells in my midst. 

I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm.

I am God's handiwork.

I have strength for all things through Christ who empowers me.

I am holy and without blame and before Him in love.

I have the mind of Christ.

I have the peace of God which transcends all understanding.

I have the greater one living in me and greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.

I have received God's abundant provision of grace and gift of righteousness.

Jesus has given me power to overcome all the power of the enemy so that nothing can harm me.

I have no lack for my Father shall supply all of my needs.

I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me.

I am an overcomer through the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony.

I have been rescued from the power of darkness and translated into God's kingdom.

I am healed by the stripes of Jesus.

I am greatly loved by God.

And...

I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.

Therefore, fear, you are not a part of my natural makeup.  You are an imposter and I am hereby serving you notice to get off of my property!

Fear, it's time for you to go.

Love has won me and taken your place.

Don't bother coming 'round here no more!!

And by the way, it is not I who live but Christ who lives in me, so if you have any complaints, take it up with Him!

I'm not answering your calls anymore! 

Is this your first visit to Freedom Friday?

We're embracing freedom each Friday here in 2012.
Click here for a list of the other posts in the series.